Come Let's Go!

You !

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Aum .

What defines you?

What roots you?

What guides you?

While I was watching a TV series one of the days, my attention stumbled upon the above three lines delivered by the protagonist. Food for my overthinking brain! It made me ask myself these questions and seek answers. If you are on a journey where you keep looking within and analyse your thoughts and actions, then these are valuable questions. Some of us may have concrete and certain answers. If that’s you, it indicates you are to an extent aware of who you are and what you need out of this life. You may not be living your life in full accordance with your answers or may even be dancing to the tune of circumstances, struggling to come into alignment with yourself. Even then, the awareness of who you are and what you want brings you a step closer to your truth. A step closer to loving yourself !

Now, the rest of us may have answers that are cluttered, clouded by confusion, blurred by uncertainty and that my love, really totally is okay ! Keep working on it. Take time out to ask yourself these questions and as you practice this everyday, you move closer to clarity. This clarity is your purpose, your alignment and your truth. It may ask you to forget who they taught you to be and that’s exactly where you begin your journey towards yourself.  And interestingly, the answers will vary as our perspectives shift. So keep upgrading yourself accordingly.  It doesn’t mean we are unstable, it just means our outlook on life is changing and we are seeing situations and incidents from a different angle, not the one we have been conditioned to view from.  We can break generations of conditioning by focusing on our answers in deep moments of silence and contemplation so that we do not pass on the irresponsible thought patterns to the next generation we raise.  

It is one of the most cliched advices that, always do whatever it takes to make you happy. But believe me, if there is anything that can rescue you when life hits you hard and you are reeling under the heaviness of it all, it is this one activity that you have been doing to keep you happy, that can keep you from falling deep into the hole. You may not be able to dedicate all your 24 hours to nourishing your soul but even if its just an hour, do it, do it religiously and commit to yourself in the most loving way. It is only when we find our happiness can we emanate that to the world and people around.

Now, if I am to elaborate the above three questions a little more;

What defines you are those things that make you lose yourself in it completely. Those that bring out the best of you, when you are in your element and you project just exactly that to the world around! It could be music, cooking, speaking, meeting friends for meaningful conversations, reading, playing an instrument, painting, just about anything that invokes the feeling of ‘Yes! This is so me’! This kind of identifying does not happen overnight, we need to try different things, take the risky path , push through the thick translucent air to finally see the bright light and feel it seep inside you.

What roots you is what keeps you grounded in this illusionary world.  The maya around is such that we can all get carried away easily. Its no one’s fault, that’s how we humans are when we are on earth, we are veiled by layers and layers of maya. How we take off these layers one by one is our journey. We all need that something that will keep us grounded, close to reality, connected to the earth which is what we are! Find out what it is that helps you face your amazing achievements with maturity keeping your feet firm on the ground.  The Calm in your Euphoria !

What guides you is whatever you turn to for answers. It could just be a breathing or a non breathing belief or even better, your higher self. There can be nothing more rewarding that being able to tap into your higher self for answers.  But what we need to also understand is that to be able to hear the answers coming from this source that you are depending on, we have to listen and to listen we need to practice silence ! And it is in silence that we get in touch with ourselves and open up to higher energies. Higher energy need not always be a non physical form, it can even be a person vibrating at a higher frequency whom we know can guide us and keep us aligned to our truth. Reduce the noise in our head space, focus on our breath and listen with patience, guidance is sure to follow .

Yes, all of these may sound like one big tiring crazy exercise but if you really want to be aware of who you are before wanting to know how the rest of the world functions, we may very well go through a this path of self exploration. This is just a very small part of embarking on this path.  Never stop attending to yourself. Never forget yourself for anyone or anything in the world. You need as much if not more love as you give to the world around you. Patience is Key! Stay disciplined on the path of self love.  And my love, you are allowed to slip off, fall down, bruise yourself, cry out loud , stay in bed and stay away from people if that helps but do come back soon to falling in love with yourself again.

Peace love and light to all <3

All that Matters is Love..

In Kerala, in most of the Hindu families, mother’s mother is addressed as ammamma. Achan, of course is father. So here’s a tale of unconditional love and bonding of this strange pair. My grandmother has been a part of my parents’ life for about 20 odd years now. Having held the powerful position of a headmistress and school manager all her life, the commanding power in her demeanour was difficult to go unnoticed. So, striking a meaningless conversation with her would usually rub her up the wrong way. She often had arguments with my mother, her own daughter, on various aspects of home management. When my mother was of the opinion that my grandmother can just enjoy her retired life reading or listening to music without interfering much in home matters, my grandmother on the other hand being who she was used her power to advise mother on how not to be so extravagant! So, the matter of the fact remains that , both being strong women, refused to come to terms with each other though they couldn’t also survive without each other. 

My dad whose work site being away from home was just a visitor during the weekends. Ammamma, like a stubborn toddler waiting for grandparents to pour out complaints about parents, would wait for my dad to come to complain about my mother. When my dad retaliates by telling her, “its ok amma, just let her (my mother) be ” in the sweetest tone possible, my grandmother calms down instantly. That’s the effect Unni (my dad’s nick name) had on her! She discussed with him life, politics, his work, her medicines, her bank matters so on and so forth. She trusted him with her life not knowing that one day he would be protecting her breath like his own! My mother was also loving towards her, but in a different way, not in a way my grandmother craved. That kind of love and attention she received from my dad, who always advised us never to get annoyed at old age and treat them with empathy and compassion, was what she wanted. 

As years passed by, ammamma’s health deteriorated gradually. She was diagnosed with cancer in the thyroid about 7 years ago which was surgically removed. But her battle continued when doctors informed us that she has remnants in her lungs. She being a fighter fought fiercely managing all her chores on her own, maintaining her accounts and keeping track of her medicines. But her movements reduced over time and she stopped going out of the house and eventually refused to step out of her room. All this while when dad was home, he made sure he went into her room, sat with her, asked her updates on how she was feeling and if she needed to restock her medicines. The care he gave into those little details of her life was always heartwarming for her and those around. 

Life moved on for the three without much of a difference till December 2018 when my grandmother went into a state of delusion due to blocked capillaries in the brain. Her mobility and speech came to a standstill and she hardly recognized anyone. She travelled back to her childhood and kept calling out to her mom and repeatedly saying ‘Let’s go!’ It was also quite a revelation that however powerful and significant you feel all through your life, at a vulnerable and weak moment, we go back to those safe corners of childhood settling under the wings of mother. 

So moving on to the unusual love story. My grandmother being bedridden and needing help with everything, my mom and a home nurse was struggling to manage all the work between them when my dad rose to the occasion like no one’s business. My mother was not as fit as dad and it was difficult for her to lift my grandmother for a wipe or change. My dad took over the complete care with the support of these two women. 

Now the care does not end with just changing her clothes and feeding her food and medicines through the nasal tube inserted inside. He wakes up at 5 am to be by her side . He lies down next to her hugging her gently and communicating to her on how protected she is and how there is no reason to fear. He pampers her and talks to her like he would talk to a baby. Every time he feels he has caused her pain while lifting her, he whispers in her ears, “sorry amme, vedhanicho?” (Sorry mother, did it hurt?) and keeps rubbing where he feels he must have pressed her a little too hard. He tries to sit her up and gives a mild back massage conversing with her all through in his soft tone. 

It has been 3 months and my grandmother has been in and out of hospital already 5 times. My dad has been the same, unconditional and committed in his service towards her. Loving her more with each descend. Holding her tight and secure in his arms and whispering in her ears , ‘ Unni is here, amma is safe’ even when we were not sure if she felt who was who. My mom was telling me that one of these days when ammamma showed signs of recognition, she stretched her hands towards dad and placed it on his head blessing him and brought her hands together in prayer gesture indicating ‘Thank you’!! A deep moment indeed!! Also letting us know that she’s aware of who this person offering selfless service to her is . So, here is a son who never shared his childhood with this mother and a mother who never shared her motherly aspects with this son, yet are displaying one of the finest bonding one can witness! 

We are all in awe of this human and his relationship with himself. His karma in this birth is one of selflessness for he has loved in ways that very few can. Dad, I am blessed to be born of you. Ammamma is blessed to be lying with her head on your lap during these days of distress and extreme helplessness. Gratitude in plenty for giving new perspective to unconditional love and for giving us an opportunity to be a part of something as magical and real as this bonding!

Not So Painful....

                                                                     ( PC : Pinterest)

How often have you been consumed by agony and distress so intense that it nauseates the life out of you. How often does your chest tighten with heaviness over emotions swallowed.
How many times have you tried to hold pieces of yourself together and whispered...'you are okay' , only to burst into choking sobs.Have you ever been lost in the agony of how you can survive another day when your legs weaken and refuse to function from the internal turmoil.

I have !! All of this and more...

This is not because my life a big bundle of misery and conditions which come under the normal or societal standards of sad or bad.Its simply that just like i feel my joy from the bottom of my heart , i sense my pain( however small the incident that have caused it , may be) from the core of my being churning the centre of my existence.

I do hit the rock bottom . I am not saying it with a lot of pride or as something to be looked upto or followed though i am aware that these are not things someone does on purpose or decides to emulate.
Its a fact that once you are in this loop of losing yourself completely over emotional imbalances, it seems like a point of no return!

But guess what , there is a ray of hope, it really is not the dead end, there is a way out.
Yes , i know it sounds far fetched. Not just sounds, it actually is hard to achieve but not impossible! It takes just a little bit of effort and a heart full of love for, oneself .
I want to share a few tips which have helped me sail through the rough crashing waves . Not that these made me jump in ecstasy soon the moment i followed them; But its certainly one rung up !


1. This too shall pass is cliched but when you say it believing in it, it helps. Looking back at all the difficult times you have overcome, gives you the hope needed in the right direction. It helps you realise this is not forever and there shall be sunshine again.


2. Acknowledge your pain. Embrace it and console it. Be in the moment. Dont avoid and pretend all is well. It only disappears to roar into strength later! So feel it, cry if need be, share your pain with your tribe and get it out. But do pay due attention to what you are feeling.


3. Try not to go back and relive the pain. As much as you want to do it, the result is the opening of a healing wound leading to more pain and further delayed healing. So when you feel like going back to it, talk to a friend or a trusted person about it and get it out again. Don't play it again in your heart and mind. We want no wars inside!


4. Forgive the person who caused you pain. Aargh...i cant believe i am saying this because this is so hard for me but again, i have done it. My favourite quote on this is from Lord Buddha which says, holding on to anger is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die. Its so true. When we have mental arguments with that person and refuse to give up on the rage, we are being eaten up from the inside. The heat rising in us is burning us, not to forget, never the other person ! So i cannot stress enough on how important it is for us to forgive and let go. If you want to scream in frustration...do it but let the anguish not stay inside you . Try not to entangle your journey with the other person's. You are exactly where you are meant to be, so be on your own journey and let the other experience his/ her own path disentangled from yours.


5. Do not give anyone the power to ruin you.
I know when we love someone, their actions , words and our expectations on how they should be, can hurt us. Yes thats ok, but let it not hurt you so much that you believe it to be the ultimate truth and dig your own grave. You have the power and you are the power. So do not pass that on to someone else and perish under their ability to crush you. The fact is they do not have the ability unless you grant them so !


6. Understand the other persons journey. We all have different journeys. If you are in constant pain from someone you have to live with, talk it out, see if there are ways of adjusting and compromising without you having to suffer. If you cannot, learn to distance your emotions however tough it may be, if thats also not working, distance yourself physically also. No one should have to live their life in pain. I am not saying this as a rule , its important to take care of ourselves to be kind to the world around .


7. Fall in love with yourself. If you have an idea of the extent to which internalising can manifest into physical illness and cause double the pain, you wouldn't ever do that to yourself . You know i had reached a point when i raise my voice in anger or stress, my body tightens and breath becomes shallow ! Its my body begging me to stop. I am stopped forcefully lest i may collapse! So can you imagine how much abuse i was doing to my body in the form of emotional distress that it started reacting fiercly . So, love yourself, your mind, your heart, your organs and your body. How its always there for you doing its best! Always remember there is only one love that you can always depend on..the one of your own ! So love yourself limitless !!!


8. That moment when you feel your chest will explode in pain, close your eyes and take deep inhalations. Fill air and light in all those areas of pain and sorrow. It really helps! You may burst out crying and it is okay as long as it finds a release ! Or you may just gradually calm down. Either way, its better than torturing your poor heart 😊


9. When in pain try not to overthink. Avoid coming to conclusions based on assumptions. Distract yourself into doing something you love to do. It may be a coffee, a book, some music or just stepping out to catch up with a friend. Do not let yourself brood, move on to a calming and happy activity.


10. When none of these work, sit quietly and ask yourself why there is so much pain and what it is trying to teach you. Those who believe in soul journeys believe that our soul chooses the life experiences for learning and evolving. So just try to understand that this experience of deep anguish was chosen by your soul for some purpose. If you are not able to understand why, thats ok. But just realizing this itself will bring in a sense of calm and an attempt to go further inside ourselves. Victimizing blaming cursing will not help in any manner. Look within, thats the only guiding light.


These are a few methods i try to follow when life throws challenges, or i should say, when my soul plans to surprise me in a not so nice manner😊😊Its our duty to respect and love this body and mind in which resides our infinity. Fill it with love, for there is no bigger truth⚘⚘

Burial ground...

Lupus and Me..

3 years of entering my life  and 2 years of documented togetherness :)  My lupus journey is one I felt should be penned , for me to remind myself of my life altering experience , if not for anything else!

Just like the beginning of any relationship which is clouded by uncertainty anxiety and disagreements, we began ours too.  I denied its existence in my life, i pushed it away, i cried when my pleas fell on deaf ears but gradually it became a part of me and my journey. One that i wouldn't have chosen if i had a choice but how often do we get to make that choice ?
My life was difficult , troubles seemed to never end ! When i thought i had to fight only my skin  issues, my eyes refused to open in light . As i figured my way around light, my knees began to fail me. When I attended to my knees, fatigue made sure i never got out of bed.  When i looked in the mirror, i hardly recognized the person i saw there. My eyes were tired, my body seemed to be a burden for my legs, my hands just dropping as if with no purpose, my face red and warm like an infectious big boil. Even in the midst of all this, if some work came by on a day when i can be out of bed, I put on my bright lipstick and stepped out as if untouched by anything unpleasant in life , very well knowing it would take few days to recover from this one day of activity.

Life became a series of unattended events, lost out work, slipped away opportunities, distanced friendships, called off plans, unanswered phone calls and probably rusted relationships too.

So, the initial  year of battle with no knowledge of  who i was up against was the most difficult one .  It was not easy to explain what i was going through when doctors gave me temporary relief and my dilemma seemed to not end. I am sure many thought i was cooking up excuses to avoid what i dislike. It was far from the truth! There are days when i choked on the most repeated words to my family.. " I AM NOT WELL, I DON'T KNOW HOW TO EXPLAIN, I AM SHUT DOWN. PLEASE DONT FORCE ME TO ATTEND THIS EVENT".

When doctor told me I have Lupus , i didn't really know the intensity of the term but nevertheless i was happy i was not imagining my issues and it really did have a name.  Once the diagnosis was confirmed Lupus, a relief flashed through me along with the awareness that this could have been much worse and I have been lucky that my organs are still intact ! SO what exactly is Lupus or Systemic Lupus Erythmetosis? In simple words, this is a condition which develops when the body's immunity, supposed to protect the body from external attack mistakes own body to be an outsider and attacks the body. Since its a systemic issue, it can just attack any part or organ of the body. In my case, my skin , my joints, musculoskeletal areas were affected . I also have other conditions associated with lupus which is Fibromyalgia where your muscles ache so much all the time that you feel you have just come from a war zone fighting with your arms and legs, Sjogrens where your eyes and throat dry up so much that even in the middle of the night you wake up with parched lips and throat, Raynauds where the blood vessels contract stopping the blood flow especially in cold weather.  Sorry to scare you all with all these terms together but these were all happening together for me at one point in time.  By the way a big shout out to those whose organs have been affected by Lupus and are still living like a boss...u know who you are..... exemplary spirit! The organ most commonly affected is Kidney. If you remember Selena Gomez recently having a kidney transplant, it is part of her Lupus treatment. Then lungs and heart are also at a risk of being affected. So we all have our annual regular check ups to ensure all ees well in our little Kingdom .

With so much happening inside me, the external pace of my life had changed completely. I was never a part of the rat race to begin with. I always had my own pace which mostly did not match with that of the world but when i was out there i made sure i belonged to the space i was in .

With the onset of Lupus, I actually saw the world pass by me. I observed peoples energy with envy.  Every morning I  watched the large crowd waiting for the morning bus and some even running to hop into the bus just leaving the stop.  I wished i was one of them running with that kind of zest towards life. They for sure find nothing special in their mundane but for someone who find tossing and turning in bed difficult with extreme fatigue and pain, it was a dream . That's when you realise the preciousness of normalcy !Lupus  made me APPRECIATE.

You know as humans, when we can no longer do something or when life puts a pause on us, we think of all that we were and all that we could do . We may not quite believe that we once did all of that with that level of vigour and passion.

Lupus was also that soulmate who came in to my life to throw light on those areas which needed my care and attention. Not all soulmates are meant to be pleasant i hear ! I longed for a normal day, looked forward to waking up with no aches and pain, walking without limping, being able to stretch fingers without difficulty, being able to open my eyes into the brightness of a beautiful morning; when even a boring day without having to worry about how your body is feeling is no more a boring day but a blessed one .  It helped me save my precious energy for what is worth. I was someone who couldn't say NO to anything that was asked of me and i tried my best to be everywhere helping and providing my service in whichever way i can. This was actually draining me a lot and what had not dawned on me was the fact that a lot of people were thriving on my energy leaving me exhausted.  Those energy Vampires ! I learnt to distance myself from them. Lupus taught me to say NO! 

Medicines galore ! At some point i wondered if my issues are from the illness or from the n number of medicines consumed .The fact of the matter was it was both !!! Blood tests after blood tests , organ tests and what not! The only effort i took to step out of the house was to see a doctor. Holidays were no more holidays, just a whole lot of checks ups and scans and tiring hospital visits. I am not sure if anyone really understood my plight. I was always active on social media because that probably was the only place where i could be active without any physical exertion. So no one quite believed when i kept repeating i am unwell.  

Added complications when i had to undergo surgeries. Lupus made healing difficult. A dental surgery which literally took the life out of me . Hats off to my doctors who kept working on me till i felt better. It took weeks and weeks to heal . Dealing with so much pain made me want to remove all my teeth and smile through artificial ones! Spare me the pain please.....

Next came the difficult healing after an endometrial cyst surgery which took a month n half to heal . All thanks to Lupus, i had the thread sticking out of my incision due to the stitch opening up from delayed healing ! Lupus asked me to REST and a little more of REST.

So why am i writing all these down? Reason number 2 ; For those who feel low about their own life and compare it to those that you see on social media, please do remember that everyone is dealing with their own battles. Some are lucky to not have any issues but the rest of us have to be lucky to let the issues not affect us.  Even as i write this i have discomfort with lack of sleep since about 3 days . With skin irritations aggravating at night, i am awake trying to calm it down .  My vocal chord is quite compromised, so i no longer sing which is something i try not to think of ! Singing was my healing balm .... anyway that's that....Lupus gently told me to LET GO....

We need to accept our life in all its forms.  If this is the learning curve, we are meant to learn. Slow down, instead of cursing our fate and being negative about it , let us see how best we can use this time to do something which we wouldn't have done otherwise. May be we have been slowed down to notice something we haven't hitherto paid attention to. Feel low, feel sad, feel hurt but also rise as soon as you can . You are your best friend, you are your trusted love, you are the one who wants you to be at your best , so spend time with You and find joy in the small things. Do not expect everyone to understand or appreciate or encourage. That's ok. Their journey is different. 

To all the warriors out there dealing with their battles like a boss....Kudos ! I have improved a lot with regards to health and i am glad i can do all that i do now :)  With gratitude to those who understood, stood by me, felt my pain, held my hand, my Lupus journey continues ....

This picture was taken at Poonthottam Ayurvedic resort when I had to discontinue my treatment due to intense  abdominal pain the previous 5 days which could not be contained even in Brufen . So here, i  am being taken to hospital for further investigation . Days before my surgery. Couldn't even walk without pausing every few seconds. But never too sick for a selfie right ? So keep smiling :) 

Porcelain Mask

                                  { PC : Pinterest }
/Oh! Why so dark ?
Eyes of mine , not big enough .
This bloated face, No way !
Thin lips are never sensuous .
Emergency !! Apps rush to my rescue
Blurring here and sharpening there
A colormode change on an airbrushed face
Cropped to Perfection!
Voila!!
As the veil of reality is lifted
Porcelain perfect mask in all its glory
ready for netizens.
Basking in the glory of
generous comments pouring
on Facebook and Instagram and twitter,
a few lines from a friend
tugs my heart chord and
Thud! i land on my feet

"Ethereal indeed , a face that
anyone would want to hold
But i search for
those eyes that sparkled
when she chuckled
the round face that spelt
Joy
the tanned skin that  spoke
of her journey , in this world so real.
Ethereal indeed , a face that
anyone would want to hold.'
'But, i see you not, my friend.'